1
00:00:09,100 --> 00:00:10,968
(duck quacks)
2
00:00:11,033 --> 00:00:13,534
Jump, Lickety-Split, jump!
3
00:00:19,000 --> 00:00:20,934
Yay! Yay!
4
00:00:21,000 --> 00:00:22,901
I told you he could do it!
5
00:00:22,968 --> 00:00:26,167
You said you'd call it off
if he jumped.
6
00:00:26,234 --> 00:00:28,701
Gimsy, we're scrapping the plans
for the oil dump
7
00:00:28,767 --> 00:00:30,667
and from now on,
we don't do anything
8
00:00:30,734 --> 00:00:33,601
environmentally unfriendly.
9
00:00:33,667 --> 00:00:35,634
I know it'll cost billions
10
00:00:35,701 --> 00:00:38,000
but this is a debt we
owe to a little girl
11
00:00:38,067 --> 00:00:40,868
and to a very
special marlin.
12
00:00:52,734 --> 00:00:54,734
DUCKMAN:
That's it?!
That's all there is?!
13
00:00:54,801 --> 00:00:57,133
Boo! It sucks! Lo-o-oser!
14
00:00:57,200 --> 00:00:59,501
Anybody here
got some tartar sauce?
15
00:00:59,567 --> 00:01:00,834
Miserable moron!
16
00:01:00,901 --> 00:01:01,834
What a creep.
17
00:01:01,901 --> 00:01:03,434
Thanks a lot, duck.
18
00:01:05,834 --> 00:01:07,901
A tad judgmental, aren't we?
19
00:01:07,968 --> 00:01:09,300
On the bright side
20
00:01:09,367 --> 00:01:12,300
they hit you harder
in Little Princess.
21
00:01:12,367 --> 00:01:14,167
Duckman,
maybe going to the movies
22
00:01:14,234 --> 00:01:16,167
has lost some
of its allure for you.
23
00:01:16,234 --> 00:01:17,734
I have to admit,
even I was surprised
24
00:01:17,801 --> 00:01:19,667
when you ran up
and urinated on the screen
25
00:01:19,734 --> 00:01:21,934
screaming
"Swim in this, Lickety!"
26
00:01:22,000 --> 00:01:23,534
Hey, it's an
interactive culture.
27
00:01:23,601 --> 00:01:25,567
Try and keep up.
28
00:01:25,634 --> 00:01:27,868
Besides, I have a right
to be P.O.'d aplenty.
29
00:01:27,934 --> 00:01:29,067
You see a movie called
30
00:01:29,133 --> 00:01:30,367
Lickety-Split's
Oily Adventure,
31
00:01:30,434 --> 00:01:32,334
you expect a little...
well, let's just say
32
00:01:32,400 --> 00:01:34,868
my very special
marlin came up dry.
33
00:01:34,934 --> 00:01:36,567
What's gagging
this googleplex?
34
00:01:36,634 --> 00:01:38,734
Where's the sex
and violence
Bob Dole promised?
35
00:01:38,801 --> 00:01:40,534
Well, I'm one
webbed waddler
36
00:01:40,601 --> 00:01:42,300
who's weary of
walking away whipped.
37
00:01:42,367 --> 00:01:44,567
I'll get my money back,
or annoy everyone trying.
38
00:01:44,634 --> 00:01:46,400
Patrick Henry, right?
39
00:01:46,467 --> 00:01:47,634
Are you the manager?
40
00:01:47,701 --> 00:01:50,334
No, I beat him senseless
with my bare hands
41
00:01:50,400 --> 00:01:52,400
then dumped his
cement-laden body
42
00:01:52,467 --> 00:01:53,534
into a nearby lake
43
00:01:53,601 --> 00:01:55,634
just so I could
wear his name tag.
44
00:01:55,701 --> 00:01:57,200
You're an odd
little man
45
00:01:57,267 --> 00:01:59,567
but you got a way
with a witty retort.
46
00:01:59,634 --> 00:02:01,267
I'm here to demand
a refund!
47
00:02:01,334 --> 00:02:02,434
Sorry, no refunds.
48
00:02:02,501 --> 00:02:05,200
Says right on the back
of your ticket stub
49
00:02:05,267 --> 00:02:08,033
there's still no proof that
our nacho cheese topping
50
00:02:08,100 --> 00:02:10,167
causes genital herpes.
51
00:02:10,234 --> 00:02:11,968
I'm talking
about your movies!
52
00:02:12,033 --> 00:02:13,767
If I wanted
to pay good money
53
00:02:13,834 --> 00:02:16,534
for two hours of blather
and no sex, I'd date.
54
00:02:16,601 --> 00:02:18,167
Sir, I don't
make the movies.
55
00:02:18,234 --> 00:02:20,934
I just unlock the doors
and make sure the ushers
56
00:02:21,000 --> 00:02:22,834
put sawdust in
the vomit puddles.
57
00:02:22,901 --> 00:02:24,734
If you really want
your money back,
58
00:02:24,801 --> 00:02:25,901
perhaps you
should complain...
59
00:02:25,968 --> 00:02:26,934
(muffled laughter)
60
00:02:27,000 --> 00:02:29,567
to the president
of the studio.
61
00:02:29,634 --> 00:02:32,067
Hey, that may be a
ridiculously stupid idea
62
00:02:32,133 --> 00:02:34,501
but there's no reason
I have to know that.
63
00:02:40,467 --> 00:02:42,701
Pizza delivery?
64
00:02:42,767 --> 00:02:44,067
Hell no!
I'm an anonymous movie-goer
65
00:02:44,133 --> 00:02:45,968
who's so angry
at a movie I just saw
66
00:02:46,033 --> 00:02:47,701
there's no telling what I'll do
to the president of this studio
67
00:02:47,767 --> 00:02:49,767
after I sneak into his office.
68
00:02:49,834 --> 00:02:53,300
I mean... yes.
69
00:02:53,367 --> 00:02:55,033
Go on in.
70
00:02:55,100 --> 00:02:57,234
Like I want
all the details.
71
00:02:58,367 --> 00:03:00,968
I'm a shark now,
driven by one purpose--
72
00:03:01,033 --> 00:03:02,434
getting my money back.
73
00:03:02,501 --> 00:03:05,200
Undeterred by the distractions
of a major Hollywood studio,
74
00:03:05,267 --> 00:03:07,067
unwavering, unblinking in my...
75
00:03:07,133 --> 00:03:08,567
Ooh. Earl Holliman.
76
00:03:08,634 --> 00:03:10,300
And look! Lauren Tewes.
77
00:03:10,367 --> 00:03:12,434
Oh, no. Could it be?
78
00:03:12,501 --> 00:03:15,367
Philip Michael Thomas!
79
00:03:15,434 --> 00:03:18,534
Gangway, Gramps,
I got the fever!
80
00:03:18,601 --> 00:03:21,534
I can't believe I actually met
the black Ghostbuster!
81
00:03:21,601 --> 00:03:22,901
And what a lovely
bunch of people
82
00:03:22,968 --> 00:03:24,267
this Hollywood crowd
seems to be.
83
00:03:24,334 --> 00:03:25,601
I don't care what anybody says.
84
00:03:25,667 --> 00:03:27,834
They deserve all the awards
they give themselves.
85
00:03:27,901 --> 00:03:31,033
Oh. Right. My refund
for the swill we get force-fed
86
00:03:31,100 --> 00:03:34,834
by these
no-talent panderers.
87
00:03:34,901 --> 00:03:35,834
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
88
00:03:35,901 --> 00:03:37,133
You can't fire me.
89
00:03:37,200 --> 00:03:38,801
I'm Paradox Prexy
Sammons Cagle.
90
00:03:38,868 --> 00:03:39,868
Besides, if I were
91
00:03:39,934 --> 00:03:41,067
going to lose my job,
92
00:03:41,133 --> 00:03:42,801
it'd say so here,
front page.
93
00:03:42,868 --> 00:03:44,834
"Wassershein Rankles,
Cagle Ankles.
94
00:03:44,901 --> 00:03:46,000
"Studio Head Rolls.
95
00:03:46,067 --> 00:03:47,901
Paradox Drops
Pay Cagle Idea."
96
00:03:47,968 --> 00:03:49,868
Do you ever listen to yourself?
97
00:03:49,934 --> 00:03:51,601
Actually, I have someone
who does that for me,
98
00:03:51,667 --> 00:03:53,534
but he's out today;
he's Bar Mitzvah or something.
99
00:03:53,601 --> 00:03:55,501
Cagle, you nearly
broke this studio
100
00:03:55,567 --> 00:03:56,567
and you know why?
101
00:03:56,634 --> 00:03:58,434
Because you don't
love movies.
102
00:03:58,501 --> 00:03:59,901
They're not about deal-making.
103
00:03:59,968 --> 00:04:00,968
They're about magic.
104
00:04:01,033 --> 00:04:02,133
They're about glamour,
105
00:04:02,200 --> 00:04:04,534
and you have no idea
what these words mean.
106
00:04:04,601 --> 00:04:06,701
It's 9:55.
107
00:04:06,767 --> 00:04:09,200
As of 10:00, if you want
to come back on this lot,
108
00:04:09,267 --> 00:04:10,200
take the tour.
109
00:04:10,267 --> 00:04:12,968
Hey, hey, Stan!
Five minutes?
110
00:04:13,033 --> 00:04:14,367
That's barely enough time
111
00:04:14,434 --> 00:04:16,400
to come up with a story line
for the next Adam Sandler movie.
112
00:04:16,467 --> 00:04:19,501
How dare he talk to me like
some kid from the mailroom?!
113
00:04:19,567 --> 00:04:22,501
I haven't worked in the mailroom
since January.
114
00:04:22,567 --> 00:04:24,868
I should give the keys
to his little kingdom
115
00:04:24,934 --> 00:04:26,067
to a real incompetent.
116
00:04:26,133 --> 00:04:27,067
That'd show him.
117
00:04:27,133 --> 00:04:28,834
Heads up, people. Idea time.
118
00:04:28,901 --> 00:04:31,000
I'll give
a huge production deal--
119
00:04:31,067 --> 00:04:34,868
creative control, final edit,
ironclad-- to a complete idiot.
120
00:04:34,934 --> 00:04:36,367
He'll blow millions
of Wassershein's money.
121
00:04:36,434 --> 00:04:37,868
It'll ruin the studio!
122
00:04:37,934 --> 00:04:39,601
I have the authority
to do it till 10:00,
123
00:04:39,667 --> 00:04:40,767
which gives me two minutes
124
00:04:40,834 --> 00:04:42,100
to find
the world's biggest moron.
125
00:04:42,167 --> 00:04:44,801
But where? Where? Where?!
126
00:04:46,501 --> 00:04:48,100
I'm Duckman,
127
00:04:48,167 --> 00:04:50,434
and I just saw
a steaming load you dropped
128
00:04:50,501 --> 00:04:51,968
called Lickety-Split.
129
00:04:52,033 --> 00:04:53,934
It should've been rated
"P.U.-13."
130
00:04:54,000 --> 00:04:55,234
I want my seven
clams back.
131
00:04:55,300 --> 00:04:57,067
Not that they'll be
the same seven clams.
132
00:04:57,133 --> 00:04:58,634
I know they'll
be different ones.
133
00:04:58,701 --> 00:05:00,200
I'm sure my seven clams
were really $6.75
134
00:05:00,267 --> 00:05:01,467
in Cracker cereal
bonus bucks
135
00:05:01,534 --> 00:05:03,234
and a SweeTart
I passed off as a quarter,
136
00:05:03,300 --> 00:05:04,734
but there's a
principle here!
137
00:05:04,801 --> 00:05:05,901
And if I knew what it was,
138
00:05:05,968 --> 00:05:07,767
you can be damn sure
I'd be hearing about it.
139
00:05:07,834 --> 00:05:09,100
So, if you don't do
whatever it is
140
00:05:09,167 --> 00:05:10,467
I came in here to get you to do,
141
00:05:10,534 --> 00:05:12,200
I'll launch
the most frivolous lawsuit
142
00:05:12,267 --> 00:05:14,167
you and your fancy
20-buck-an-hour lawyers
143
00:05:14,234 --> 00:05:15,567
have ever seen!
144
00:05:16,634 --> 00:05:18,133
Can you write?
145
00:05:18,200 --> 00:05:19,300
Your name, I mean?
146
00:05:19,367 --> 00:05:20,968
Oh, no, you don't.
147
00:05:21,033 --> 00:05:22,801
I make it a rule
never to sign anything
148
00:05:22,868 --> 00:05:24,133
until my Ecuadorian
business manager
149
00:05:24,200 --> 00:05:25,567
can look it over
in his cell.
150
00:05:25,634 --> 00:05:28,200
Sign it, or my foot soldiers
will destroy you!
151
00:05:28,267 --> 00:05:29,200
Okey-doke.
152
00:05:36,267 --> 00:05:39,200
Mr. Duckman, you are now
Paradox's newest mogul.
153
00:05:39,267 --> 00:05:42,167
You have the power
to determine trends and tastes
154
00:05:42,234 --> 00:05:44,734
for an entire nation--
to expose your ideas
155
00:05:44,801 --> 00:05:47,367
to a world eager
for any kind of guidance.
156
00:05:47,434 --> 00:05:49,033
In short, Mr. Duckman,
157
00:05:49,100 --> 00:05:52,234
you are a
Hollywood god!
158
00:05:52,300 --> 00:05:54,634
(maniacal laughter)
159
00:06:09,801 --> 00:06:11,067
(steam engine hissing)
160
00:06:11,133 --> 00:06:12,133
Good luck, Dad.
161
00:06:12,200 --> 00:06:13,367
Make us proud.
162
00:06:13,434 --> 00:06:15,300
Or at least try not
to humiliate us.
163
00:06:15,367 --> 00:06:16,801
Yeah, that's
what I meant.
164
00:06:16,868 --> 00:06:18,534
I want to videotape
this moment.
165
00:06:18,601 --> 00:06:20,767
Now, which is "play"
and which is "re..."?
166
00:06:20,834 --> 00:06:24,067
WOMAN ON TAPE:
Hey, you sick yuck,
wipe this stuff off of me
167
00:06:24,133 --> 00:06:25,567
or it's an extra 50.
168
00:06:25,634 --> 00:06:28,334
(chuckling):
It, uh, came with the camera.
169
00:06:28,400 --> 00:06:29,434
Until I send for you,
170
00:06:29,501 --> 00:06:31,033
pretend to listen to
your Aunt Bernice, boys.
171
00:06:31,100 --> 00:06:33,634
And remember, thanks to these,
you'll always be with me.
172
00:06:33,701 --> 00:06:35,200
Pictures of us?
173
00:06:35,267 --> 00:06:36,200
No, your savings bonds.
174
00:06:36,267 --> 00:06:37,634
I need them for tips
in the bar car.
175
00:06:37,701 --> 00:06:39,701
(whistle blowing)
176
00:06:39,767 --> 00:06:41,934
Come on, Corny, I call
the upper berth!
177
00:06:42,000 --> 00:06:43,701
I'll wear my rain hat.
178
00:06:43,767 --> 00:06:47,033
(hissing and chugging)
179
00:06:47,100 --> 00:06:48,033
So long, boys.
180
00:06:48,100 --> 00:06:49,167
Good-bye, Dad!
Bye-bye.
181
00:06:49,234 --> 00:06:50,334
Yeah, bye.
182
00:06:53,367 --> 00:06:55,968
Adios. Bye.
Good-bye, Dad.
183
00:06:56,033 --> 00:06:58,334
I'm Paul Golden,
Senior VP, production
184
00:06:58,400 --> 00:07:00,334
and third-generation
Hollywood hanger-on.
185
00:07:00,400 --> 00:07:02,501
Though I didn't write, direct,
edit, shoot or perform
186
00:07:02,567 --> 00:07:04,501
in anything at all,
I'm solely responsible
187
00:07:04,567 --> 00:07:06,501
for our 12 biggest
movies last year.
188
00:07:06,567 --> 00:07:08,000
Hired the assistant
who hired the reader
189
00:07:08,067 --> 00:07:09,501
who found the script,
the usual back story,
190
00:07:09,567 --> 00:07:11,701
and might I add, though no one
here has ever heard of you,
191
00:07:11,767 --> 00:07:14,000
your deal is the biggest
any of us have ever seen.
192
00:07:14,067 --> 00:07:16,734
And therefore, there's no one
whose work we respect more.
193
00:07:16,801 --> 00:07:18,400
GOLDEN:
Here's your office.
194
00:07:27,000 --> 00:07:30,067
Wow! This is
an amazing office!
195
00:07:30,133 --> 00:07:32,200
Duckman, be careful.
196
00:07:32,267 --> 00:07:34,067
Hollywood's past is
littered with people
197
00:07:34,133 --> 00:07:36,334
who got taken in by all
the opulence and fawning,
198
00:07:36,400 --> 00:07:38,334
then were changed by it
and forgot about the things
199
00:07:38,400 --> 00:07:40,334
that were really important
in their lives.
200
00:07:40,400 --> 00:07:42,267
Corny, you old
worry warthog.
201
00:07:42,334 --> 00:07:44,234
I'll never sink so far
into this world
202
00:07:44,300 --> 00:07:45,734
that I'll forget the things
that are important to me,
203
00:07:45,801 --> 00:07:48,000
like my children,
Ajax, Charles and Jumanji.
204
00:07:48,067 --> 00:07:49,000
Mambo.
205
00:07:49,067 --> 00:07:50,300
Whatever.
206
00:07:50,367 --> 00:07:53,133
The point is, my web celebre
are firmly on the terra cotta.
207
00:07:53,200 --> 00:07:55,734
This is one duck who
isn't going Hollywood.
208
00:07:58,067 --> 00:08:01,601
(upbeat music playing)
209
00:08:11,667 --> 00:08:13,000
Davy,
210
00:08:13,067 --> 00:08:15,334
tell Steve and Jeffrey
I'll swing by for a looky-loo,
211
00:08:15,400 --> 00:08:18,334
but I won't even discuss
Dreamworks SKGD.
212
00:08:18,400 --> 00:08:21,067
I wouldn't take fourth billing
on Mount Rushmore.
213
00:08:21,133 --> 00:08:23,200
(belly laugh)
214
00:08:23,267 --> 00:08:24,200
What's that?
215
00:08:24,267 --> 00:08:26,033
When did they add him?
216
00:08:26,100 --> 00:08:29,133
Well, let's not miss the point,
okay, Captain Geography?
217
00:08:29,200 --> 00:08:31,234
Bu-bye.
218
00:08:31,300 --> 00:08:32,567
MAN:
Ow!
219
00:08:35,634 --> 00:08:37,067
Cornfed, de pig supreme.
220
00:08:37,133 --> 00:08:38,934
I have breakfast tomorrow
with Oliver Stone.
221
00:08:39,000 --> 00:08:40,767
Make a reservation,
but nothing spicy.
222
00:08:40,834 --> 00:08:42,767
Ollie's got a colon
like a hamster.
223
00:08:42,834 --> 00:08:45,567
My aromatherapist
needs Leno tickets.
Make it happen, babe.
224
00:08:45,634 --> 00:08:46,767
Not too close to
the stage, though.
225
00:08:46,834 --> 00:08:48,434
Jay tends to spit
when he's on a roll.
226
00:08:48,501 --> 00:08:49,834
And cancel your plans tonight.
227
00:08:49,901 --> 00:08:52,567
There's a premiere shindig
for the new Harrison Ford.
228
00:08:52,634 --> 00:08:53,901
I'm going?
229
00:08:53,968 --> 00:08:56,868
(guffawing)
230
00:08:56,934 --> 00:08:58,868
No, you silly fool.
I'm going.
231
00:08:58,934 --> 00:09:01,000
You'll be doing the work
I won't have time for.
232
00:09:01,067 --> 00:09:02,367
"I'm going"?
233
00:09:02,434 --> 00:09:04,734
(laughing)
234
00:09:04,801 --> 00:09:07,968
That didn't even sound like me.
235
00:09:08,033 --> 00:09:10,767
Duckman, did you read
those scripts I found?
236
00:09:10,834 --> 00:09:12,200
Oh, yeah, right.
237
00:09:12,267 --> 00:09:14,567
That's just why I got
into movies-- to read scripts.
238
00:09:14,634 --> 00:09:16,901
But these are smart,
provocative screenplays.
239
00:09:16,968 --> 00:09:17,968
If you'd just read...
240
00:09:18,033 --> 00:09:19,133
Yawning!
241
00:09:19,200 --> 00:09:20,968
Come on, Corny,
scripts are words,
242
00:09:21,033 --> 00:09:22,601
and words are dead.
243
00:09:22,667 --> 00:09:24,033
If reading words
was important,
244
00:09:24,100 --> 00:09:26,534
we'd still be teaching kids
how to do it in school.
245
00:09:26,601 --> 00:09:28,801
Sizzle! That's
what sells movies.
246
00:09:28,868 --> 00:09:29,868
Yep, which reminds me.
247
00:09:32,000 --> 00:09:33,934
(speed dialing)
248
00:09:34,000 --> 00:09:35,100
(ringing through)
249
00:09:35,167 --> 00:09:36,534
Meg Ryan, please.
250
00:09:36,601 --> 00:09:37,901
Duckman.
251
00:09:37,968 --> 00:09:39,501
Thank you.
252
00:09:39,567 --> 00:09:40,834
Meg, hey there, ho there.
253
00:09:40,901 --> 00:09:42,801
I gotta tell you,
I'm a big, big fan
254
00:09:42,868 --> 00:09:45,100
When A man Loves A Woman
changed my life.
255
00:09:45,167 --> 00:09:46,801
I remember thinking,
"Great idea."
256
00:09:46,868 --> 00:09:48,167
If I only date drunk chicks,
257
00:09:48,234 --> 00:09:50,133
I save the time and money
of getting them drunk, you know?
258
00:09:50,200 --> 00:09:53,300
Meg? Meg... yup, hi.
259
00:09:53,367 --> 00:09:55,000
Thought I lost you there.
Well, here's the skinny.
260
00:09:55,067 --> 00:09:56,601
I want you to star
in my first picture.
261
00:09:56,667 --> 00:09:59,334
340 million up front for you
and a big back end
262
00:09:59,400 --> 00:10:00,801
if you get my drift.
No?
263
00:10:00,868 --> 00:10:02,133
Well, it's always been
a dream of mine
264
00:10:02,200 --> 00:10:03,801
to see you
in provocative lingerie,
265
00:10:03,868 --> 00:10:05,267
and I'm betting a lot
of other men would pay
266
00:10:05,334 --> 00:10:06,767
to see it, too.
Stunts are minimal--
267
00:10:06,834 --> 00:10:08,267
bending over to clip a toenail
kind of thing.
268
00:10:08,334 --> 00:10:10,868
And I'd call it
Meg Ryan In Her Underpants.
269
00:10:10,934 --> 00:10:13,367
Huh? You like? Meg?
270
00:10:13,434 --> 00:10:15,000
(dial tone)
271
00:10:15,067 --> 00:10:16,367
(speed dialing)
272
00:10:16,434 --> 00:10:18,734
Uma Thurman, please.
273
00:10:18,801 --> 00:10:21,667
Liv Tyler?
274
00:10:21,734 --> 00:10:23,501
(crickets chirping)
275
00:10:23,567 --> 00:10:25,834
Maya Angelou?
276
00:10:25,901 --> 00:10:29,868
(theme from
Entertainment Tonight plays)
277
00:10:29,934 --> 00:10:32,367
In what has to be
the deal of the century,
278
00:10:32,434 --> 00:10:34,701
Hollywood's newest
mega-mogul, Duckman,
279
00:10:34,767 --> 00:10:39,400
is paying studio secretary,
Betty Furple, $340 million
280
00:10:39,467 --> 00:10:41,834
to star in
Betty Furple In Her Underpants,
281
00:10:41,901 --> 00:10:44,133
saying only that
the unknown office temp
282
00:10:44,200 --> 00:10:46,200
"was always my first choice."
283
00:10:46,267 --> 00:10:47,801
Normally, a price like that
284
00:10:47,868 --> 00:10:49,868
Would scare
the studio powers that be,
285
00:10:49,934 --> 00:10:53,534
but Stan Wassershein and Paradox
have three aces up their sleeves
286
00:10:53,601 --> 00:10:55,968
in Soapy "Soap" Carbone
Billy Bruno
287
00:10:56,033 --> 00:10:58,467
and Minehard Braunbusser.
With each one of them
288
00:10:58,534 --> 00:11:00,968
now shooting
a Paradox action film overseas,
289
00:11:01,033 --> 00:11:03,200
the studio has
three certain blockbusters
290
00:11:03,267 --> 00:11:04,734
whose combined box office
291
00:11:04,801 --> 00:11:08,000
should more than compensate
for Duckman's shopping spree.
292
00:11:09,567 --> 00:11:11,834
Duckman's spending
all the studio's money,
293
00:11:11,901 --> 00:11:14,934
but those three stars
are going to make it right back.
294
00:11:15,000 --> 00:11:16,834
I can't let them
save the studio.
295
00:11:16,901 --> 00:11:18,133
I've got to stop them!
296
00:11:18,200 --> 00:11:19,467
But how?
297
00:11:19,534 --> 00:11:21,100
I've got it.
298
00:11:21,167 --> 00:11:23,234
I'll use Duckman
to sabotage their movies,
299
00:11:23,300 --> 00:11:25,901
and I will regain my position
on the mountaintop--
300
00:11:25,968 --> 00:11:28,167
finally pulled out
of the hellish nightmare
301
00:11:28,234 --> 00:11:30,501
of squalor and misery
I have been left with!
302
00:11:30,567 --> 00:11:32,701
Stevens, the bidet
is out of Evian.
303
00:11:38,300 --> 00:11:40,267
Five minutes
to air, Duckman.
304
00:11:40,334 --> 00:11:42,267
Are you sure you're ready
for a televised interview?
305
00:11:42,334 --> 00:11:43,801
It's live,
and almost every time
306
00:11:43,868 --> 00:11:44,968
you say anything
out loud,
307
00:11:45,033 --> 00:11:47,367
it's ill-informed,
insulting or nonsensical.
308
00:11:48,601 --> 00:11:51,100
I mean... do you need
that cigar lit?
309
00:11:51,167 --> 00:11:52,801
I've never felt
more at home
310
00:11:52,868 --> 00:11:54,133
than I do
in Hollywood, Corny.
311
00:11:54,200 --> 00:11:55,701
I'm listened
to, respected,
312
00:11:55,767 --> 00:11:57,367
and people are throwing
way less bottles at me.
313
00:11:57,434 --> 00:11:59,300
My fantasies are
all coming true.
314
00:11:59,367 --> 00:12:02,133
Or will be, once I make
Melissa Etheridge my wife.
315
00:12:02,200 --> 00:12:03,567
(whispering)
316
00:12:03,634 --> 00:12:04,567
(gasping)
317
00:12:04,634 --> 00:12:07,467
That's a lie!
Take that back!
318
00:12:08,534 --> 00:12:09,767
Psst!
319
00:12:09,834 --> 00:12:11,701
(screams)
320
00:12:16,400 --> 00:12:18,501
Hi, Duckman, I'm Julie,
321
00:12:18,567 --> 00:12:20,734
and we'll jump right in
after the commercial.
322
00:12:20,801 --> 00:12:22,567
Gotcha-roony,
news babe.
Nice grip.
323
00:12:22,634 --> 00:12:24,067
Care to stay
after the show
324
00:12:24,133 --> 00:12:25,968
and sample it
on my hand-held mike?
325
00:12:26,033 --> 00:12:27,267
Man:
Three... two...
326
00:12:27,334 --> 00:12:28,434
(theme from
Entertainment Tonight plays)
327
00:12:28,501 --> 00:12:29,701
Welcome back.
328
00:12:29,767 --> 00:12:32,334
Next up: Hollywood's
newest player, Duckman.
329
00:12:32,400 --> 00:12:34,267
We're here in his office
at Paradox Studios,
330
00:12:34,334 --> 00:12:37,300
and Duckman, it looks like
you're adjusting quite nicely
331
00:12:37,367 --> 00:12:38,934
to life in the fast lane.
332
00:12:39,000 --> 00:12:41,133
You betcha. In fact,
I just moved my family
333
00:12:41,200 --> 00:12:43,801
into a house in Bel Air that
used to belong to Merv Griffin.
334
00:12:43,868 --> 00:12:45,801
(pounding on door)
335
00:12:45,868 --> 00:12:46,934
DUCKMAN:
Go away!
336
00:12:47,000 --> 00:12:48,934
Anyone can say
they still live here.
337
00:12:49,000 --> 00:12:52,667
Well, Duckman-- spendthrift,
visionary, or very lucky duck?
338
00:12:52,734 --> 00:12:54,033
The jury's still out.
339
00:12:54,100 --> 00:12:55,367
But one thing's
certain:
340
00:12:55,434 --> 00:12:57,133
You're emptying the
studio's bank account.
341
00:12:57,200 --> 00:12:58,467
How do you justify
342
00:12:58,534 --> 00:13:00,434
paying the largest
star salary in history
343
00:13:00,501 --> 00:13:02,267
to a complete unknown?
344
00:13:02,334 --> 00:13:03,534
I'll tell you, cuppy cakes.
345
00:13:03,601 --> 00:13:06,234
This is an industry built on
perception rather than fact
346
00:13:06,300 --> 00:13:08,300
run by businessmen
who understand numbers
347
00:13:08,367 --> 00:13:10,200
and don't have a clue about
what's good and what isn't.
348
00:13:10,267 --> 00:13:12,100
So, the key is
to be perceived as good
349
00:13:12,167 --> 00:13:14,934
by being associated with
the biggest and best numbers.
350
00:13:15,000 --> 00:13:17,467
Meaning, if you have no talent,
you can buy credibility--
351
00:13:17,534 --> 00:13:19,434
in essence, creating
the illusion of quality
352
00:13:19,501 --> 00:13:20,501
by spending
the most money.
353
00:13:20,567 --> 00:13:21,968
Wow! How'd you
learn so much
354
00:13:22,033 --> 00:13:24,000
in only a day
and a half on the job?
355
00:13:24,067 --> 00:13:25,834
I was looking
for a strip joint
356
00:13:25,901 --> 00:13:28,267
and wandered into a Writers
Guild meeting by mistake.
357
00:13:28,334 --> 00:13:30,968
Pissy little bunch-- no wonder
they're not allowed on the set.
358
00:13:31,033 --> 00:13:32,167
And speaking of sets,
359
00:13:32,234 --> 00:13:34,334
we have word from the sets
of the new movies,
360
00:13:34,400 --> 00:13:36,834
starring Paradox's
three action mega-stars
361
00:13:36,901 --> 00:13:38,701
and your ears
must be burning.
362
00:13:40,334 --> 00:13:43,567
Well, anyway, apparently,
they don't like being replaced
363
00:13:43,634 --> 00:13:45,334
as the highest-paid
stars in the world
364
00:13:45,400 --> 00:13:46,868
and they're saying
you'll fail
365
00:13:46,934 --> 00:13:50,667
because you, quote, "have
stupid ideas for movies."
366
00:13:50,734 --> 00:13:53,501
What? The testosterone trio
called me stupid?
367
00:13:53,567 --> 00:13:54,667
You ever talk to Carbone?
368
00:13:54,734 --> 00:13:57,100
Not exactly a rocket scientist.
369
00:13:58,767 --> 00:14:00,567
This duck maligns me,
370
00:14:00,634 --> 00:14:02,501
and worse, by paying a woman
more than me,
371
00:14:02,567 --> 00:14:04,367
he's forced me to renegotiate
372
00:14:04,434 --> 00:14:07,200
despite my innate suspicion
that 30 million dollars
373
00:14:07,267 --> 00:14:10,501
is sufficient pay
for one idea-free movie.
374
00:14:17,634 --> 00:14:19,267
(yelling)
375
00:14:19,334 --> 00:14:22,434
And Bruno-- ha, ha!--
if he's such a big deal,
376
00:14:22,501 --> 00:14:24,000
what about the rumor
I'm just now starting
377
00:14:24,067 --> 00:14:25,801
about he and that stripper
he's married to--
378
00:14:25,868 --> 00:14:27,767
what's her stage name,
"Semi-Naked"?
379
00:14:27,834 --> 00:14:29,767
I think she pronounces
it "Seh-Mee."
380
00:14:29,834 --> 00:14:32,767
Whatever. The point is,
I hear Mr. Action Star
381
00:14:32,834 --> 00:14:34,767
is Mr. No Action
in the bedroom
382
00:14:34,834 --> 00:14:36,033
if you get my drift.
383
00:14:36,100 --> 00:14:39,367
In other words, that popcorn
comes without butter.
384
00:14:39,434 --> 00:14:40,367
(spitting)
385
00:14:40,434 --> 00:14:41,467
What the f...
386
00:14:41,534 --> 00:14:43,601
Is he saying my bevel
ain't level?
387
00:14:43,667 --> 00:14:45,367
My cat's paw is coleslaw?
388
00:14:45,434 --> 00:14:47,167
My upfront's a blunt runt?
389
00:14:48,000 --> 00:14:48,934
(yelling)
390
00:14:49,000 --> 00:14:49,934
(grunts)
391
00:14:53,567 --> 00:14:54,701
(yelling)
392
00:14:58,601 --> 00:15:01,033
(over radio):
Uh, Billy, this is just
a movie set
393
00:15:01,100 --> 00:15:02,734
and the plane is yours.
394
00:15:02,801 --> 00:15:04,434
Hey, I'm in a mood.
395
00:15:06,367 --> 00:15:08,901
And the other one, Minehard--
what a weeny.
396
00:15:08,968 --> 00:15:11,434
Take away 30 years
of barbells and back oil,
397
00:15:11,501 --> 00:15:12,767
and all you got left
is a limp rag,
398
00:15:12,834 --> 00:15:14,701
except not as smart.
399
00:15:14,767 --> 00:15:16,367
The guy's
one large muscle,
400
00:15:16,434 --> 00:15:18,234
and we're talking
head to toe.
401
00:15:18,300 --> 00:15:21,100
Me, all muscle?
402
00:15:22,334 --> 00:15:24,434
This time it's personal.
403
00:15:24,501 --> 00:15:25,834
Not that the other times
I said that
404
00:15:25,901 --> 00:15:27,100
weren't personal too.
405
00:15:27,167 --> 00:15:28,601
They were personal,
406
00:15:28,667 --> 00:15:30,701
but this time,
it's just more personal
407
00:15:30,767 --> 00:15:33,968
compared to those other times,
which were also personal.
408
00:15:35,300 --> 00:15:37,367
Mr. Braunbusser,
you can't leave.
409
00:15:37,434 --> 00:15:38,367
(snapping)
410
00:15:39,601 --> 00:15:41,801
"Can't" is for character actors.
411
00:15:41,868 --> 00:15:43,767
Bring me the Humvee.
412
00:15:44,834 --> 00:15:48,067
Not the Hyundai, the...
Never mind.
413
00:15:49,601 --> 00:15:51,434
I will stick shift his...
414
00:15:51,501 --> 00:15:54,567
I mean, I am starting
to hatch a plan to...
415
00:15:54,634 --> 00:15:59,234
I am trying to say I won't
show economy in pulv...
416
00:15:59,300 --> 00:16:02,400
Okay, now I am without an
effective action guy joke
417
00:16:02,467 --> 00:16:05,367
and this is making me want
to hurt Duckman even more.
418
00:16:07,434 --> 00:16:09,901
("Hooray for Hollywood"
playing)
419
00:16:09,968 --> 00:16:11,934
It's a glamorous
star-studded premiere
420
00:16:12,000 --> 00:16:14,601
for the opening of Planet
Sycophant in Hollywood.
421
00:16:14,667 --> 00:16:17,567
We're high atop the abandoned,
long-forgotten public library
422
00:16:17,634 --> 00:16:19,467
to give you the best
view of the stars
423
00:16:19,534 --> 00:16:20,667
and they're out tonight.
424
00:16:20,734 --> 00:16:22,601
Hugh Grant and Elizabeth Hurley
are here.
425
00:16:22,667 --> 00:16:24,434
Looks like they drove together
this time.
426
00:16:24,501 --> 00:16:25,801
And here comes Johnny Depp
427
00:16:25,868 --> 00:16:27,701
looking rakish
with his walking stick.
428
00:16:27,767 --> 00:16:30,367
Oh, no, I'm sorry.
That's Kate Moss.
429
00:16:30,434 --> 00:16:32,834
There's Sharon Stone
with the 25 lucky winners
430
00:16:32,901 --> 00:16:34,734
of MTV's "Oh, boy,
I'm going to sleep
431
00:16:34,801 --> 00:16:36,200
with Sharon Stone" contest.
432
00:16:36,267 --> 00:16:40,267
Ah... and there he is now,
Hollywood's man of the hour--
433
00:16:40,334 --> 00:16:41,734
Duckman!
434
00:16:43,300 --> 00:16:44,267
Good career move--
435
00:16:44,334 --> 00:16:45,868
asking me
to escort you tonight.
436
00:16:45,934 --> 00:16:47,734
Bottom line:
At the end of the day,
437
00:16:47,801 --> 00:16:49,200
when the bird
flies, uh...
438
00:16:49,267 --> 00:16:51,701
up, over the, uh...
439
00:16:51,767 --> 00:16:53,200
hill, or uh...
440
00:16:53,267 --> 00:16:54,701
something.
441
00:16:54,767 --> 00:16:56,501
I forget what I
was going to say.
442
00:16:56,567 --> 00:16:58,534
Anyway, I just wish those
three over-hyped has-beens
443
00:16:58,601 --> 00:17:01,734
were here now to bow
down to the new king.
444
00:17:01,801 --> 00:17:02,868
(honking)
445
00:17:03,834 --> 00:17:05,934
(all screaming)
446
00:17:07,000 --> 00:17:08,801
(brakes screeching)
447
00:17:09,868 --> 00:17:11,934
Yippee-ki-ay, motherducker.
448
00:17:12,000 --> 00:17:13,300
(screaming)
449
00:17:15,634 --> 00:17:16,834
Ah!
450
00:17:17,434 --> 00:17:18,767
(clunk)
451
00:17:18,834 --> 00:17:20,234
Duckman:
Yike-den-lieber!
452
00:17:20,300 --> 00:17:22,067
Hasta la roasta, duck.
453
00:17:28,067 --> 00:17:29,133
Waah!
454
00:17:30,200 --> 00:17:31,400
I become bellicose
455
00:17:31,467 --> 00:17:34,234
with each glimpse
of your feculent visage.
456
00:17:34,300 --> 00:17:35,601
Hmm.
457
00:17:37,100 --> 00:17:38,901
Yah!
458
00:17:41,667 --> 00:17:42,367
Ah!
459
00:17:55,634 --> 00:17:57,434
Fortunately,
we radioed ahead
460
00:17:57,501 --> 00:18:00,367
and made sure all the
buildings would be empty,
461
00:18:00,434 --> 00:18:03,067
so no innocent bystanders
would be harmed.
462
00:18:03,133 --> 00:18:06,501
We may destroy, but it
doesn't mean we don't care.
463
00:18:06,567 --> 00:18:08,367
D'ahh!
464
00:18:10,701 --> 00:18:12,801
Don't know what that is,
but I can't see for...
465
00:18:14,267 --> 00:18:15,200
All:
Shi...!
466
00:18:19,834 --> 00:18:21,234
(spitting)
467
00:18:21,300 --> 00:18:24,267
There's a billboard up ahead!
Hit the...
468
00:18:25,267 --> 00:18:26,834
Brakes.
469
00:18:31,000 --> 00:18:32,934
(engine knocking)
470
00:18:39,434 --> 00:18:42,534
Action stars,
my sewage-filled butt.
471
00:18:42,601 --> 00:18:45,667
None of them are a match
for a hunka-hunka burning duck.
472
00:18:45,734 --> 00:18:47,133
(guns cocking)
(gasps)
473
00:18:47,200 --> 00:18:49,534
ALL:
Go ahead... make our day.
474
00:18:49,601 --> 00:18:50,701
That's the best one.
475
00:18:50,767 --> 00:18:51,868
Works, doesn't it?
476
00:18:51,934 --> 00:18:53,067
You're telling me.
477
00:18:54,133 --> 00:18:56,534
(karate yell)
478
00:18:56,601 --> 00:18:57,934
Sorry, fellas.
479
00:18:58,000 --> 00:18:59,033
(all grunting)
480
00:18:59,100 --> 00:19:01,067
I'm grunting at you, pig.
481
00:19:01,133 --> 00:19:03,434
There's no need for revenge.
482
00:19:03,501 --> 00:19:04,934
This whole thing
has been a plot
483
00:19:05,000 --> 00:19:06,000
to manipulate you all
484
00:19:06,067 --> 00:19:07,434
and, in turn,
ruin the studio.
485
00:19:07,501 --> 00:19:10,767
A plot hatched... by him.
486
00:19:12,400 --> 00:19:15,467
Heh-heh. Just ignore that crack
about the hand-held mike.
487
00:19:15,534 --> 00:19:16,868
All right, it's me.
488
00:19:16,934 --> 00:19:18,267
To complete
my evil scheme,
489
00:19:18,334 --> 00:19:19,467
I posed as
Julie Moran,
490
00:19:19,534 --> 00:19:20,968
which by the way,
I've been secretly doing
491
00:19:21,033 --> 00:19:22,267
for years in a club
on La Brea.
492
00:19:22,334 --> 00:19:23,734
I knew if I got you
three mad enough,
493
00:19:23,801 --> 00:19:25,901
you'd leave the sets, get
arrested for killing Duckman
494
00:19:25,968 --> 00:19:28,501
and cost Wassershein hundreds
of millions of dollars.
495
00:19:28,567 --> 00:19:31,067
There was a flaw in your plan.
496
00:19:31,133 --> 00:19:33,067
We would pay Stan back.
497
00:19:33,133 --> 00:19:35,067
Anything for you, Stan.
498
00:19:35,133 --> 00:19:36,300
You believed in us
499
00:19:36,367 --> 00:19:38,601
when we were
starving Broadway gypsies.
500
00:19:38,667 --> 00:19:40,634
You sure did.
Till you came along,
501
00:19:40,701 --> 00:19:43,634
we were living in one room,
sharing tights and toe shoes.
502
00:19:43,701 --> 00:19:44,968
Shh.
Shh.
503
00:19:45,067 --> 00:19:48,634
Why hide? We were young,
it was spring...
504
00:19:48,701 --> 00:19:51,000
I got to know--
how'd you figure it out?
505
00:19:51,067 --> 00:19:52,234
Was it the obscene
amount of money
506
00:19:52,300 --> 00:19:53,634
for a production deal
507
00:19:53,701 --> 00:19:55,968
that gave a total incompetent
the power to make movies?
508
00:19:56,033 --> 00:19:57,501
No, they do that
all the time.
509
00:19:57,567 --> 00:19:59,934
The truth is, I knew something
was wrong when you didn't touch
510
00:20:00,000 --> 00:20:01,868
that piece of luscious
pecan layer cake
511
00:20:01,934 --> 00:20:03,534
only offered
at Planet Sycophant.
512
00:20:03,601 --> 00:20:06,133
Of course. Everyone
knows Julie's cuckoo
513
00:20:06,200 --> 00:20:08,200
about that
nuttily moist mouthful
514
00:20:08,267 --> 00:20:09,834
of sweet, savory goodness
515
00:20:09,901 --> 00:20:12,834
served hot with gobs of caramel
and rich vanilla ice cream.
516
00:20:12,901 --> 00:20:15,434
Remember:
Planet Sycophant--
517
00:20:15,501 --> 00:20:17,634
where the world
revolves around us.
518
00:20:18,701 --> 00:20:20,400
Anyhoo,
519
00:20:20,467 --> 00:20:22,000
the real Julie's unharmed.
520
00:20:22,067 --> 00:20:24,467
I found her hanging upside down
in a wardrobe closet,
521
00:20:24,534 --> 00:20:25,467
stripped naked.
522
00:20:25,534 --> 00:20:27,634
As it turns out,
kidnapping the host
523
00:20:27,701 --> 00:20:29,634
of a syndicated entertainment
news program
524
00:20:29,701 --> 00:20:30,801
is only a misdemeanor.
525
00:20:30,868 --> 00:20:32,133
But you're
at a Hollywood opening
526
00:20:32,200 --> 00:20:33,667
without having your name
on the guest list.
527
00:20:33,734 --> 00:20:34,667
And in this town,
528
00:20:34,734 --> 00:20:36,667
that's a jailable offence.
529
00:20:36,734 --> 00:20:38,501
Say, an Indie deal
run from prison
530
00:20:38,567 --> 00:20:39,767
has a certain novelty value.
531
00:20:39,834 --> 00:20:41,968
Make my assistant
your one phone call.
532
00:20:42,033 --> 00:20:43,133
We'll talk.
533
00:20:43,200 --> 00:20:44,667
Duckman,
your contract's no good.
534
00:20:44,734 --> 00:20:46,567
Go away.
535
00:20:46,634 --> 00:20:48,634
Well, that's that.
536
00:20:48,701 --> 00:20:50,234
Now that we've, you know,
battled to the death,
537
00:20:50,300 --> 00:20:51,934
maybe we can do
the schmooze thing.
538
00:20:52,033 --> 00:20:53,467
Summer at Oxnard.
Hit some Clipper games?
539
00:20:53,534 --> 00:20:56,834
(all laughing)
540
00:20:56,901 --> 00:20:59,367
Might've gone
a little overboard this time.
541
00:20:59,434 --> 00:21:01,133
We blew up
our own restaurant.
542
00:21:01,200 --> 00:21:03,801
Not to worry. It was
just millions of dollars
543
00:21:03,868 --> 00:21:06,834
spent on creating something
with no intrinsic value
544
00:21:06,901 --> 00:21:08,767
for the sole purpose of
making millions more.
545
00:21:08,834 --> 00:21:11,100
Hey!
Just like our movies.
546
00:21:11,167 --> 00:21:13,133
(all laughing)
547
00:21:16,467 --> 00:21:17,934
Don't be upset.
They have strict rules
548
00:21:18,000 --> 00:21:19,400
about spending time
with anyone
549
00:21:19,467 --> 00:21:20,834
who can't do something
for them.
550
00:21:20,901 --> 00:21:23,100
In fact, that's why we had
to go with impersonations
551
00:21:23,167 --> 00:21:24,767
and caricatures,
who are fictional
552
00:21:24,834 --> 00:21:26,133
and in no way
meant to represent
553
00:21:26,200 --> 00:21:27,968
actual persons, living or dead.
554
00:21:30,167 --> 00:21:31,467
So, that could be it
555
00:21:31,534 --> 00:21:33,567
for our careers
in show business,
556
00:21:33,634 --> 00:21:35,634
and it humbles me,
partner of mine,
557
00:21:35,701 --> 00:21:37,267
for in the end,
who are we
558
00:21:37,334 --> 00:21:39,667
to even dare to aspire
to such heights?
559
00:21:39,734 --> 00:21:42,000
An industry so
bathed in greatness
560
00:21:42,067 --> 00:21:43,734
should be left to
those whose talent
561
00:21:43,801 --> 00:21:47,901
is outshone only by
their desire to enlighten.
562
00:21:47,968 --> 00:21:50,601
(distant automatic gunfire)
563
00:21:50,667 --> 00:21:52,667
(distant explosions)
564
00:21:52,734 --> 00:21:55,300
(distant sirens blaring)
565
00:22:35,234 --> 00:22:38,067
MINEHARD BRAUNBUSSER:
Where the world
revolves around us.